


Patient Logs

by irishluff



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Backstory, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Dialogue-Only, F/F, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Medical Procedures, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Post-Game(s), Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Suicidal Thoughts, past Junko/Mikan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-05-15 22:44:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5803216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irishluff/pseuds/irishluff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hope is that if they let her talk long enough, she'll say something useful. Maybe they'll understand why this mess happened. How to help her. Maybe.</p><p>[Post-game AU in which Mikan woke up from her coma in despair. Her backstory is pieced together through therapy sessions.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. COMPLETE PATIENT LOGS: PATIENT #014

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of triggering content present, namely child abuse, medical abuse, resulting trauma for such things, and suicidal thoughts. I've tried to tag the major ones in the main description. If you'd like a more detailed warning, a full chapter by chapter trigger list can be found here: http://freetexthost.com/32jgcyo6bb. If you think I've missed something on there, please, please comment. I want people to be able to safely engage in my disgusting trash fic.
> 
> I do welcome prompts in the form of a question/statement for her to respond to!

Name: Mikan Tsumiki

Title: Ultimate Nurse (former) / Ultimate Despair

Reason for capture: Gross crimes against humanity related to the Despair Incident (see attached file for further details)

Sentence: ~~Death by lethal injection~~  
                Rehabilitation via the New World Program

Entry 01: Patient captured. Initial examination shows extreme emotional volatility- prone to intermittent fits of crying and rage. Relatively nonthreatening if not provoked. Avoid all mention of Patient #000 (Junko Enoshima). Patient shows symptoms of extreme bacterial infection. Further exploration needed. Pending sentencing along with the other Remnants of Despair.  
02: Cause of infection determined to be transplant rejection and improperly dressed surgical wounds (possibly self-inflicted). Pending removal.  
03: Womb of #000 successfully removed from #014. Crying fits are near-constant.  
04: Patient restrained after multiple attempts to pick out stitches.  
05: ~~For gross crimes against humanity and involvement in the Despair Incident, patient has been sentenced to death.~~ EDIT: Our judgement has been overridden.  
06: Patient has been transferred to facility on Jabberwock Island for rehabilitation.  
07: New World Program successfully initiated.  
08: New World Program NOT successfully initiated. 'Island Life of Mutual Killing' virus has taken over the simulation. Urgent action needed. As of now, memory wipes still effective.  
09: Erratic behavior noted by #014. Possible cause 'Despair Fever'.  
10: Memory loss compromised. Observation necessary.  
11: Due to in-simulation death, patient brain functions ceased. #014 is currently in a vegetative state.  
12: Patient stable.  
13: Patient stable.  
14: Patient stable.  
15: Patient transferred to separate ward for coma care upon the termination of the New World Program.  
16: Patient stable.  
17: Patient stable.  
...  
32: Patient stable.  
33: Abnormal brain activity detected in #014. Monitor closely.  
34: Patient is awake. Initial evaluation shows worrying psychological symptoms including suicidal fantasies. Urgent, careful action needed. Patient placed under 24/7 surveillance.  
35: Thorough examination cut short when patient became violent. Still, strong evidence indicates that #014 has returned to Despair state. Patient restrained to bed until further action can be determined. The Future Foundation strongly suggests a reconsideration of initial sentencing.


	2. "Tell me about your scars."

**“** I like it when people draw on me. I know that’s a little s-strange, I guess. But I don’t care that much. I’m a little sick of c-caring so much what people think o-of… of the things that make me happy. Sorry.

 **”** She liked d-drawing on me, so it worked out well. Usually it was just one of her gel pens, she liked the kind with glitter in the ink, little designs on whatever skin was easy to g-get too. Sometimes though, when we were alone, she’d pull out this thick black p-permanent market and just… cover every inch of me. 

 **“** S-she’d draw, or she’d write things, writer her name, across my stomach or along my arms. The characters of her n-name fit so well on my forearm. Or she’d unwrap my bandages and put flower petals around the cigarette burns. She thought I was b-beautiful, even where I was disgusting. She told me. 

 **”** Once, when I especially having t-trouble believing some one like her, someone that was perfect and b-beautiful, could love someone like me… When she was done drawing and she left, I spent a long time just staring at what she left on me, a-and then I got a knife, and I went over those thick black lines so they’d never fade away. See? See those lines? It’s hard to see, with all the other scars, but that’s her name, in her own hand. I could show you more if you want. 

 **“** Oh. Ok. I don’t have to. Y-you can’t really see any of the ones on my stomach anymore, anyway. I had to c-cut through them to get to my womb, and when I put myself back together, they got all p-pulled and t-t-twisted. She wasn’t happy with what I did, either. B-because she said, she told me, no ones allowed to hurt me. N-not even myself. I d-d-didn’t listen, though, I just wanted– Everything she drew was so pretty, and it faded so quickly. I just wanted a f-few that wouldn’t f-fade. 

 **”** But what she said, you know what she said? Now that I had those s-scars, I c-c-couldn’t do anything like that again. Because I might cut through them and r-ruin them. Which would be so rude, to r-ruin her drawings like that. I even managed it, right u-up until sh-s _h-sh–_ uuuu…

 **“** Something else she’d write, that I forgot, she’d write ‘I love you’ right on my palm. Because there are days, you know, when its so easy to f-forget… forget someone loves you. So she’d write it somewhere big and noticeable. All I’d have to do was look at my p-palm and I’d _**know**_. I don’t have one of those scarred, though. She didn’t do it that time. 

 **”** But none of this really matters anyway,

                                                                 because it’ll _never happen again_. **“**

 

 


	3. "Why do the others upset you so much?"

“T-they don’t get it, they don’t get it at all, they all say they hate her b-b-but, but they don’t even know her, they don’t r-remember, they d-don’t underst-tand, can’t they see they joined for a _reason_ , she helped them, she loved them, they loved her too it wasn’t just me I loved her most but everyone did, e-everyone, and now t-they just listen, they all just listen to whatever _they_  say, d-d-don’t even think, none of them, they all forgot but I didn’t I remember it all I remember everything why do I remember why does no one else I don’t want to forget but I’m so alone why can’t someone else just under **stand**????”

         _[A long pause while she collects herself.]_

“I-I just wish, th-that someone els knew what it was like… T-to be _hers_ , to feel her despair… It wasn’t bad!! It- It was warm and wonderful, e-even if it hurt… It did. But a good k-kind of hurt. The best kind.  


         The warmth is gone now. Now it just hurts. I wonder if this is what she felt.

...

S-she had this way of t-talking to you, she knew r-right where you hurt just by looking but she wouldn’t f-fix it, but she would tell you how, h-how to help yourself… Make yourself better… We all joined for a reason. We all n-needed something, and she was the one that had it, her alone. She was so good to us. I-I’m not c-crazy for being in love.

T-that’s all anyone wants, right? T-to be l-loved? She had so much love… J-just- just a funny way of showing it.

A-and you know w-what really gets me?? She was the first…. T-there wasn’t a-anyone, not one other person, that was ever so k-kind. S-so maybe those p-people that designed the s-simulation, t-they could have had the right idea. G-get to us before her. But it’s too late n-now. She was t-there first. We were hurting, a-and she noticed, and she _helped._  


T-they were classmates too, the Foundation p-people….. A-anyone could have tried. All of them, t-they could have stepped in when I was being b-beaten, or burned, or h-had my things st-tolen and my hair cut off. But they didn’t. It was _her_. A-and now, now that I don’t let people d-do that, because she showed m-me I didn’t have to, she’s the bad guy? No, no, no, that’s not ok, that’s not ok………”


	4. "Can you talk about your childhood?"

“I-I was in hospitals a lot when I was little. Always something… A fall, a scrape, a f-fever. I was a clumsy child. A-always getting myself hurt. It was nice there. I-it smelled clean, and mama always came with me. S-she was very concerned with me g-getting hurt. She wanted to s-stay right by my side, t-talk to all the doctors. She liked h-hospitals too.

I-it wasn’t bad, not at all.

There wasn’t really anything wrong with me, b-but mama liked it when I was sick. I-it made her feel like a good mother, she said, t-taking care of her baby. S-she was always nicer in the hospital, too. Delicate flower. She c-called me that once, I think. Especially when the d-doctors were there, too… She loved the doctors. Talking to them, about m-me mostly. Her sick baby.

I wasn’t s-sick enough. I-I’d get discharged, and s-she’d be upset b-because I wasn’t sick, she wanted to t-take care of me but I wasn’t sick enough. So she made me sick. S-she was good at that. S-she had lots of ways, t-too. She c-could hit me, or push me down s-stairs, o-or burning, she liked burning, or give me something t-to make me feel sick. If none of that worked, she c-could just tell them I was s-sick with a fever. Once she snapped my arm…. She was v-very pleased with that one. I n-needed all kinds of follow-ups and c-check-ups and she could m-make sure it stayed broken as long as she n-needed. B-because I was so clumsy, you see?

Clumsy me… T-that’s what she t-told me, and the doctors too. T-they didn’t ask q-questions for a long, long time, because I told them that too. B-but my arm took so long to heal, they got curious, and so mama m-moved on. I-I had a baby brother, a-and her was never sick, until she d-decided it was his turn for the doctor.

I d-didn’t go to the hospital anymore. I st-tayed home with my grandma and my uncle and my aunt and they n-never went to visit him in the hospital, they never v-visited me either. S-sometimes they’d m-make me sick too, b-but they never took me to the doctor after. I t-think they just hurt me. It was mama that liked the hospital. Me too. B-but I didn’t get to go. Not until I w-went as a nurse, because when you’re a n-nurse, people need you. I n-needed plenty of nurses, they always helped me. I could make people need me, just as long as they were sick.

S-she wanted to him to be s-sick, so she could t-t-take care of him, but he was s-so small, she j-just wasn’t used t-to it. She g-g-g-ave him something to make him s-sick, but she used to much, tooooo much. After we b-buried him, p-people kept coming over to give condolences. T-this pleased her a lot. She st-topped after that. No one needed to be sick, she was so b-busy getting sympathies.

I came home from school one day and poured bleach down her throat. It was really silly of her to drink all that, don’t you think? Clumsy.”


	5. "We just want you to get better."

"Do you want me to be hurt?

I’m not asking to make you feel bad, it’s a serious question. I want you to answer it. (Ok, maybe a little bad.) Because if that’s not true, whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy do you want to take me back to when that’s all that ever happened? You saw the simulation. You know what I’m talking about. Why don’t you want me to defend myself?

I-It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I- I’m not like this by accident. There are lots of reasons I am the way I am. There’s some memories that I probably c-could’ve been better without. But you didn’t touch those. They took the only time I was ever happy. A-and then expect me to trust them?

      You don’t wanna help me. You want to fix me. That’s not the same.”


	6. "There's not much left of her."

"A-and, and it’s almost funny, she would be so pleased to see this, how far she fell so quickly, how trapped and helpless we are and how none of them even remember her. She would be so happy. But she’s not here to see the aftermath. She just… left us. Not that I’m upset with her!! No, no no, I would never, I wouldn’t question her, she knew what she was doing, she always does the right thing. I’m not upset. I’m just sad. I wish she was here to see it. I just want to see her again. ~~All of them got to see her again and they don’t even appreciate it, they didn’t deserve to, I deserved to, not fair not fair not fair not fair—~~

         _[Heavy, strained breathing]_

They said we were the last ones left, everyone else was dead.

                ~~(And why do you trust a goddam word they say, stupid girl?)~~

But let’s say we are.

If I die, then it really is all over. Everything she wanted. Her despair. Her. She dies all over again, practically, but this time it’s her ideas and isn’t that even worse? I– I just wanted to die, I didn’t want this, I don’t want to be the last one left—

       Huu, uuu, b-but, she made me remember, she didn’t make anyone else remember, just me, she picked me, I was special, I’m special, I’m special to her, I’m the last one left, it’s me, she doesn’t make mistakes I was the only one with my memories because she gave them to me

##             I just wanted to die!!!!!!!

  _(maybe i should stay)_

Why me why me why did you leave me alone????? Was it for despair???????? I thought I would never be alone again I had friends and I had love and now it’s gone and all I have is an island why did you do this to me it _worked_  it _worked_  I’m despairing can you see me despairing can you see how much despair I’m in are you **proud** of me????? It’s for you it’s all for you it’s always been about you no one understands no one will never understand again it hurts I can feel it in my chest just like you said just like you always said, I feel it, I’m so alive, I’m so alive, I don’t want to be, I have to be, why, why, why me, is it because I’m special? Am I special? I must be, I must be, I must be, I must be,


	7. "You keep requesting smaller clothes, do yours not fit?"

"I was a skinny little kid. Mama was always worried about that. She fussed over me. Wondered why her baby wouldn’t eat, why I was getting so skinny, why I kept getting sick after I ate, she was worried I wouldn’t grow b-because I didn’t ever eat enough, she said there must be something wrong with me, with my stomach maybe, maybe I had a stomach problem, so she took me to stomach doctors and told them all about this, that’s how I know she was so worried, a-and how I know what she was worried about. She told the doctors all about it.

A-and see, ‘cuz she was so worried about me and how much I didn’t eat, she payed careful attention to it and everything I did eat, she’d watch everything, she gave me all my meals and told me not to get in the pantry by myself because if a little girl is allowed to eat whatever she wants she’ll stuff herself full of shit, that’s what she said, so I didn’t, I just ate what she gave me, I ate everything she gave me, because she knew best, right? So I didn’t go get food by myself. S-she, I didn’t go get it myself. Because the last time I did she got mad, but then I broke my arm and she wasn’t mad anymore.

I-I’m so clumsy, it’s funny really, I could trip over the air, that’s what mama said.

Anyway. I told a doctor once, I’m trying my hardest, I eat everything she gives me. We didn’t go back to that doctor and I got in trouble for lying. Because isn’t it true that I’m always sick to my stomach? That I only eat if she sits me down and puts it in front of me?? That I keep getting sick after?? It’s true, that was true, I shouldn’t have lied, I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry, I didn’t mean to lie I guess I just didn’t know? I was trying.

Next time it was different. Mama didn’t mention how much I didn’t eat, she said it was my metabolism, there must be something wrong with my metabolism, because I’m eating her out of house and home and I’m always breaking into the pantry and she’s doing her best she’s a good mother but she’s at her wits end because I eat everything she gives me but I stay so little and it doesn’t make any sense!!

The test was easy, I just had to sit in a chair for awhile and breathe. But they didn’t find anything, which is ridiculous, because I was eating everything and I wasn’t gaining weight so there must be something wrong with me, there has to be something wrong with me, and isn’t it just like an incompetent doctor to miss how sick I am?? Because I was pale and skinny and shaking and I felt like death, so there was definitely something wrong with me. It’s just that no one ever figured it out.

 

It’s funny, it’s actually really funny, it’s hilarious actually, I got a lot bigger after mama drank all that bleach, which was also really funny, because she always told me I shouldn’t be so clumsy but then she drank like, a whole jug of bleach, which is a really silly thing to do, it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, don’t you agree?

Right… I, uh. I think I got bigger. Maybe I didn’t? I dunno. But- but I do measure myself. And I definitely saw the number go up. And my clothes all feel tight. And I can’t be as thin as I look because there are people here that are as thin as I look and they’re all on nutrition supplements and I’m just on anti-psychotics.

I don’t really know, though. Sorry. I… I dunno. I still look so thin. Like I could break. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”


	8. "Was it... difficult?"

“A hysterectomy’s not a complicated procedure.

N-no, really. In and out. People get it done awake all the time. It’s doing it on yourself when things get tricky.

You had to get there quick if you wanted anything. From the second she died, p-people– vultures! All descended on her. Picking at her. I was quick. I got a good bit. All some people g-got were ears and toes and other leftover bits. S-someone had already opened her up by the time I got there, and… oh gosh, she was still beautiful, even with all those parts missing, even with a slice down her front and everything torn open. S-still so beautiful.

I wish I coulda looked longer, but I was s-scared, scared if I stayed too long she’d be gone before I got anything. So I just… took the first thing that looked good. I took her womb. I thought… e-even if she died, maybe… I know, I know it’s stupid, I know uterus transplants don’t really work, don’t _look_ at me like that don’t _look_ at me like I’m **stupid**  I just had to try, you know, just had to try.

I k-kept a scalpel on me, always, kept it sharp, t-the world was a dangerous place and you never know, you know? So I sliced it out of her and I picked it up and I left, and I just… I held it, it was… It felt like I had the world in my hands. I almost didn’t wanna put it in me, I just wanted to stare at it. It took time t-to… to even realize she was dead. I s-saw it happen, I watched the broadcast, but… oh– gosh, I—-”

     _[Deep breaths, Mikan…]_

“I’m fine.  


I went straight for the infirmary. I-It was still all stocked from the Mutual Killing, you know? So it was… it was the best place to do it. And it was close. C-couldn’t think about it too long. I got some blood bags– I-I’m type A, do you know your blood type? I-it’s good to know, just in case you need blood, you never know when you’ll need blood, eheh.

Did you know there’s a biiiig artery you have to cut to take out a uterus? N-not much of a problem on– heh. But… I was k-kind of hoping to not d-die right after. So I got out an IV pole and I s-started the transfusion b-before anything else. So I’d be getting more blood as I was b-bleeding, and maybe I wouldn’t bleed out. The rest of the stuff was in my first aid kit- you have to be prepared!! People dying everywhere, I- I was stocked, ok? I had good stuff. Lots of shots. And sutures. And bandages. So I set myself up in front of a mirror and shoved a thing of gauze in my mouth and unbottoned my shirt and put my skirt around my knees and cut and **_ohhh my gosh._**

Never felt something like that before. Gosh it was– wow, it was– oh– I-I-I’d cut myself a lot before, I told you already, told you how I marked up my skin but oh gosh there was nothing like this, nothing like sinking a scalpel all the way into my stomach and dragging it down, nothing ever before in my life and I don’t think ever again, I _hope_  never again, or maybe I don’t because it was like despair except it was real, the way despair makes you feel in your chest that’s what I felt in my belly when I sliced it open, see, it’s good to talk to me, you learn lots of useful things.

Have you ever seen your insides?

I- I don’t remember a lot about the surgery. I had to go fast and I was screaming, oh gosh was I screaming, you could hear it through the gauze, I almost choked on the gauze I screamed so hard, but one thing I sure remember was pulling open my skin and looking down at my insides, all red and slick and shiny. I can’t even describe– humans are so funny. They’re just stuff. You slice down the front and you expect- you expect it’ll be packed in all neat but it’s not. We’re just bags of stuff.

I didn’t bother trying to save my ovaries. That… that woulda taken awhile. More time than you want to take when you’re kneeling in front of a mirror and holding a big hole in your belly open. Besides, the whole _point_  was for the womb to be **hers** and the eggs is where all the genes are so you don’t want my genes in there, I had to get them out, I reached right in and I grabbed hold of it and I think that’s when I screamed the loudest, or maybe it was a second later when I sliced it free, one little cut right under my cervix.

The worst part was t-trying to get J-junko-sama’s in. I had t-to sew it in place except I was bleeding everywhere and it hurt and I could barely see, I d-don’t think it was very neat, but I did it, I attached it, her cervix to my vaginal canal, they fit pretty well,

(which is funny because of all the time she spent in here, heh)

then I stitched the rest of me back up and it wasn’t neat but it was tight, tight enough that I didn’t think I’d bleed out, I wrapped myself in gauze and put a fresh blood bag in one arm and a saline drip in another and I shot myself up with _aaaall_  kinds of painkillers and sedatives and I slept for a whole day on one of those infirmary cots.

I don’t know if it was a whole day, I guess, but when I woke up the light looked different but Junko-sama was picked clean.

When I woke up my bandages were all sticky and the wound was red and angry and slippery and there was something not blood seeping out of it. Not much to do except pour a bottle of antiseptic over it and wrap it in new gauze. I guess I was just hoping I didn’t drop dead right there, not after how hard I worked to get it in there, but if it killed me that was an okay way to die, having her destroy me from the inside. I kept the IV pole because it gave me something to lean on. I passed her on the way out and there was almost nothing left, so I didn’t stop to look. Just kept walking.

I collapsed in the street. I thought my guts were going to fall out, like I had to hold them in, I thought someone was going to come by and kill me.

You people picked me up instead. I bet you thought I was a victim, huh, laying in the street with my insides trying to be outsides all feverish and delirious. Would you have left me to die if you’d known? Now that you know what a nuisance I am do you wish you had?

Heh. You don’t have to answer that.   


I know _I_ wish I was dead. Instead they fixed me up, cut a nice clean incision down my middle and took out what was left of her womb, pumped me full of medicine so the infection didn’t take me out before the lethal injection could. I wish they would’ve just left it. I wish that was how I died.

H-hey, do you know if they kept it? Her womb? Do you know if it’s still here somewhere?

      I’d love to have it back.”


	9. "Is there anything you'd like to discuss?"

“I wanna talk about _**sex**_.  


      D-don’t give me that look. You h-heard me. Come _oooon_ , w-we’ve talked about all sorts of stuff. T-things I did to myself for her. Things I-I did to o-others for her... don’t t-tell me you’re getting shy now. When I want to tell you what she did to _me._ How she **fucked**  me. You’re funny.

I want to t-tell you because it’s important. B-because... she made me feel like nothing else. She was... she... Mmm. I d-didn’t... didn’t know it was supposed to feel like that. Not until her.

You know, when I was younger, I was real popular at parties, c-cuz... because they knew if we played seven minutes in heaven I’d go all the way. A-and I guess now I look at it, and, uh, it’s a little degrading, I g-guess, but... what’s it matter? What’s it matter what someone does with my worthless body? It doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. If it’s seven minutes in a closet t-to be included, I’ll do it. Every time. It worked! I... I got invited to things.

T-the boys, they... they liked it b-better from behind. They... I t-think they didn’t want to look at my face. W-which is good! My face is disgusting and also they’d probably see that I was only moaning to be polite if they actually bothered to look at me and maybe that’d be enough to kill their mood and we wouldn’t want that would we he needs to get off that’s the only reason I’m here I know it is because they told me that’s the only reason anyone invites me to anything and I just have to get that because I cant, I can’t go thinking they _like_  me that’s ridiculous that’s ridiculous I’m an ugly pig and I know it I know it I know it **_mooooooving on!_**

_[She pauses to catch her breath.]_ A-hah. G-got... got a little carried away there.

I’ve got plenty of stories like that, I... I remember someone t-told me to suck his d-dick, and I think he meant it as an insult I, uh, I don’t think he was serious, but um, I panicked and said yes and I don’t think expected that so he panicked and neither of us knew what to do so we just kinda went with it. So that’s funny! So funny! I learned it, I learned it quick, if they want your disgusting pig body just give it to them because that’s all anyone will ever want of you so you might as well be useful somehow, you know? And it doesn’t really matter what kind of filthy things they do to it because you haven’t ever been clean anyway, they can’t defile you worse than you already are.

And that’s why, uh, it was really confusing. When people t-talked about making love. I-I guess I knew, sort of, I knew that it was supposed to be nice with someone you loved but it didn’t? It didn’t make sense?? No one was ever gonna love me, anyway, so it didn’t matter, right?

She loved me. She **loved**  me. Like I’d never been loved before. I understood, th-that’s when I finally got it, why e-everyone makes such a fuss about having sex. W-why they call it making love, t-the difference between making love and f-fucking. T-that’s what she did. Loved me. Ahhhh.... (And sometimes she fucked me too, but that was just ‘cuz I’m a disgusting whore that likes being fucked ‘till I cry.)

I remember... oh g-gosh, I remember... Mmmmm... God, she had the same u-ugly dorm room as everyone else, and she... she never picked up her clothes when they got dirty. It was a mess, it was an awful mess, but it didn’t matter. I-I barely saw anything b-but... but her. She laid me down gentle, l-like... I was something worth protecting. _Beautiful_. She made me feel beautiful. I’d never... I’d never felt like that. I felt so safe. You you’re in love when you feel safe naked, I think. Or maybe that’s just ‘cuz I got naked around so many people that made me wanna puke. I don’t really know! That’s pretty fucked up! Ahaa!

She never cut her nails. Ooooh boy, she... oh god, they were, they were these awful acrylic ones, sharp and pointy and long and the first time I saw them headed between my legs I think I almost ran away but she told me to trust her and I did and it hurt, of course it hurt, but she was so gentle, she laid down next to me with her hand between my legs and told me she loved me, and I’d want to tell it to her back but I was too busy moaning... She loved it. Aha, s-she, she loved- she wanted to hear me.  She wanted me screaming her name.

And oh boy, did I deliver. Mmmm. She always got what she wanted.

~~Good thing Hope’s Peak has those soundproof walls!~~

She couldn’t keep her hands off me. All the time, she’d- once when I was walking to c-class she pulled me into the girl’s bathroom and, uh, well she d-didn’t let me finish, got me close and then pulled up my panties because she said I-I shouldn’t be late for c-class, m-my education was important. God, she was beautiful. She was s-so... she was beautiful. She was even more beautiful with her head between my thighs.

Actually! One of the scars, f-from what she wrote on me, t-the word scars, I’ve got one on my thigh, it’s, uh, it says ‘ _ittadakimasu_ ’, and there’s a little smilie with a tongue, and th-that’s just--aha-- exactly like her, her s-sense of humor, she t-thought it was hilarious and it was! A-and now it’s on my thigh forever. So, uh, I’m depressed and lonely and I’ll never be loved again as long as I live, b-but I have a m-memorial t-to all the times the queen of the whooole world g-got on her knees and ate me out, which is, uh. It’s nice if you think about it.

    Wanna see????

            ......No??

                         Right, I, uh. I should keep my pants on. Sorry. I got excited. Won’t do it again.

The f-funny thing was, she never let me touch her, not like that. I tried, I... gosh did I try. I just wanted... just wanted to reciprocate. I wanted to show her I loved her too. Touch her like she touched me. She didn’t want it. I’d try and she’d j-just- she’d just kiss me, a-and tell me all I had to do to get her off was to l-love me. To give her everything. To worship her, adore her, but she d-didn’t have to ask for any of that, I-I was happy to. She... I was hers. I was all hers. S-she made me feel beautiful, w-which-- I know, I know, I know it hardly makes any sense, I’m sorry, s-someone like her, sh-she, she was a famous model, she... she was pretty and popular and everyone loved her, and I was just... m-me, I was just the girl you f-fuck in a closet for a laugh and forget about in a few days, a disgusting used up thing no one wanted around, and she thought I was **beautiful** and I don’t under _stand_!

                _[She lets out a sob.]_

S-she was wrong. She... she h-had to be. I’m ugly. I’m worthless. I’m trash. I’m nothing... nothing! Compared to her. She was everything.

Why won’t you people just kill me already.


	10. "We'd like to know about your activities during the Incident."

     "...

First thing's first, I'm gonna tell you about despair. And I want you to  _listen_. Really. Really listen. B-because... I think that's your problem, your whole problem, you ask questions but you don't-- you don't get it. A-and, maybe you don't wanna. You haven't felt it, her Despair, but you know it's powerful. It's the thing that killed your world, just- just a bunch of angry teenagers tearing themselves apart.

 

I think... I think it's a little different for everyone. It's, uh, i-it's personal, you know? And that's...  _She_ was so good at it. She c-could look at you and know, she k-knew how you thought. What you were afraid of. What you believed in. A-all of that, it's part of it, it's part of your Despair.

                              It feels like dying.

 

           ...no, no, it...              it feels like  
                                                                falling?

 

                      It feels like a vice on your chest so tight you want to break your own ribs just to make it stop. 

 

I watched her sometimes. With the others. The way they'd lie there, eyes all glassy and staring off at something a million miles away. S-sometimes they'd cry, b-but it wasn't real crying, it was still, and silent. Just a wetness on your face that y-you don't even have to notice. She'd sit there with their head in her lap and hold them steady, because it can make you dizzy sometimes, it's so strong, god, it hurts so bad--"

                _ **[She squeezes her eyes shut and breathes out forcefully.]**_

 

"She'd whisper sweet oblivion but you could barely even hear it. T-too wrapped up in the feel of p-plastic nails on your skin, it was the only t-thing you could focus on or you might just float away.

 

Or sometimes it makes you scream. Or cry or break things or hit people or kill people or tear their flesh apart with your own bare hand, feel the viscera, feel the tendons, dig your nails into tissue and pry it apart because you wish you could do it to yourself, find your aching, despair-filled heart and squeeze the life out of it yourself, make it stop, make it stop hurting. let it out somehow, but you can't so you do it to other people.

 

                                               ...You, uh. You wanna know a secret?

                                                                                                         I'm kind of a bad Despair.

 

It felt so good.

_She_ felt so good.

She felt like heaven.

                                             **They didn't deserve her.**

        We were supposed to be spreading despair, right? B-because... because she loved us all, that's why she s-shared it. Greatest feeling in the world, she said. The pinnacle of human emotion. And so we gotta spread it to the whole world, let it burn down in a burst of fires and flames and be reborn into something new, something better, something ruled by sweet, sweet Despair.

 

Except I didn't do that. This world didn't deserve her. This world is ugly. They don't deserve her salvation. That was  **mine**. I deserve it. Not them, not them, not any of the filthy disgusting rats, they could burn to death for all I care but then they might get the despair of death, the one she was always chasing, and that's not fair, that's not fucking fair, they don't deserve her. They don't deserve her.

And so they don't get her.

    I found people. And I took them. And I strapped them down. And I smashed ice picks in their eyes and scrambled their brains, 'till they couldn't feel anything at all. No hope. No despair. No joy. No pain.

She'd probably be mad. We were supposed to spread despair. But I-- I was angry. I didn't want to share. I wanted them to suffer like I'd suffered, and so I denied them the ecstasy of her Despair.

        That answer your question?"


	11. We need to talk about what happened with Togami.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shout-out to humandisqualification on tumblr, this chapter couldn't exist without you.

Whatever. Can we talk about how I wanna die instead?

Hmm.

If it c-could be _anything_ … T-truly anything at all, I would g-go back to that moment. F-feverish and delirious and lying in the street with my guts ready to spill out through my fingers. I’d go back and never g-get picked up, lie there ‘till I die of the i-infection. I’d like that. T-to have her rot inside me, let her poison me a-and die holding one last bit of her.

And uh, I also thought about it when all I wanted to do was kill myself. And I think I decided something like b-bleeding out or, uh, starving? T-that’d be good. S-something where I just waste away.

But, uh! I, um, I actually don’t want to kill myself anymore!! Progress!

_I want one of you to grow a fucking spine and **murder me**._

Seriously. I'm too tired to kill myself!! I'm so... I'm so  **fucking** sick of all of you!! P-people that come in and talk about how I should be  _greatful_ , I should be  _glad_ I'm here and not dead, that was what was gonna happen, how if I don't stop screaming and biting people maybe they'll  **reconsider** , _shut the fuck up_. It's boring.

I, uh. Actually, yeah. Togami. Let's talk about Togami. I was in the k-kitchen, I got a little time out of bed to stretch my legs. Looking through a drawer 'cuz I was bored. And I said I was thinking about stabbing myself with one of the forks, because I was, but like, it w-wasn't really something I  _wanted_ t-to do, it was just kind of a thought. Like when you're holding s-someone else's baby and w-wonder what would happen if you d-dropped it. But I'm not stupid. I knew a fork could only kill me if I aimed  _reeeeeally_ well and probably all I'd do was make a mess. But then he told me to.

He told me to stab myself in the neck with a fork because he wouldn't care if I did, wouldn't care if I **died**.

So I did.

 _I_ didn't want to stab myself. I don't think  _he_ wanted me to stab myself, e-especially right in front of him.

But he told me to. He  _dared_ me to, practically. So I dared him back. Look me in the eye while I do this to myself and tell me it doesn't make him sick to his stomach.

And whatdya know...? B-byakuya Togami, who talks and talks and talks about how much he hates despair and us and remnants and how we all should've gotten executed like the plan was, I was bleeding and dying at his feet, b-because I  _would've_ bled out if I had enough time, he panicked. And he called a nurse. And he saved my life. Spineless coward. Spineless fucking coward. He's not worth my life.

 

 


	12. You've got to move on from her someday.

I don’t… I-if I talk to you now, _really_ talk, will you listen?

Listen like I’m a person?

I, uh. I wanna talk about my scars. Again. They’ve just, uh. Th-they’ve been on my mind. Because they’re really what I have left of her. Her handwriting on my skin. I know I said I did it because I didn’t want it to fade, and I-I think that was probably part of it. But… when I was with her, it felt like she would never end. It wouldn’t matter if they faded. She would always be there to write more. I didn’t ever think I would be there to see her die. I’m not sure… I d-don’t think it even occurred that she _could_ die. She was… oh, gosh. She was almost more an idea than a person, after awhile. She was everything. My life. My happiness. Everything. I— I think back, and I try t-to remember what we talked about, and I don’t even remember. I just remember being lost in it.

T-the scars… they were a promise. It’s like when you write your n-name on a sandwich in the company fridge, so no one else eats it, or at least if they do they feel guilty. I’m the sandwich. I’m… I’m a sandwich. I just wanted people to know that if they wanted me, if I let them have me, they were taking something that didn’t belong to them. Stealing someone else’s lunch, I guess. B-but also, you can’t… you can’t go back on that. Her name was on my skin p-permanently. I promised myself to her forever. When you have someone’s name carved into your arm, it’s, uh. Dating’s a little awkward.

P-people… Boys… they thought I-I was pretty. No. No. No no they… they didn’t, they didn’t think I was pretty. They thought I was _fuckable_. That’s d-different. I’m not anymore. Now if I take off my clothes, I’m not fuckable, I’m crazy. Crazy despair terrorist dyke, if they didn’t already know, t-this is in some parallel universe where I’m not going to die on this island, a-and maybe someone gets off on that, using something that belonged to her. But I don’t need to give them any more reasons to hurt me, and that’s all those marks are.

I ruined myself for her.

I’m marked. E-even… even if I left. Even if you fixed me and I was perfect and happy and never despaired again for the rest of my life, I made it so my body will never move on. And I did it on _purpose_. A-and, I don’t regret it, at least I don’t think I do. But- I’ll never g-get to move on, not really. Even if I found a new lover, someone that didn’t know, I’d h-have to tell her before we went to bed. I’ll never get pregnant. I c-can’t anymore. I’m hers forever now. I made sure of it when I wrote her name down my arms and cut out my uterus while screaming her name.

…

When I first got here, all anyone wanted to tell me was how much she didn’t love me. She didn’t really love me, she just wanted to use me, I wasn’t special. I was just another brainwashed victim that needed to be fixed. I was better off before I met her. A-and… I wondered why you all wanted me to be hurt so badly. She was the first person to tell me I was worth something and you wanted to take that away from me. A-and I wondered, what was your plan? If I woke up with these scars and no uterus and no memories, what would you tell me? How would you explain that I ruined myself for a dead girl I don’t remember?

If she didn’t love me, I did all that for nothing.

She loved me because if she didn’t then I really will have to kill myself and she’s dead now and the only person that remembers what happened between us is me, and I say she loved me. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Not even her. I’m the one that lived, and I need her to have loved me, so she did. That’s it. I’m not gonna talk about it anymore. Ok?

…

Please listen to me. Really listen. Because I’m not g-going to ask for help again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as you may have noticed, this fic is now marked as complete. That doesn't mean I'll never go back to it if the mood strikes me and write some more rambles, but I do think this chapter can serve as an ending of sorts. If I write more, I'll likely add them in retroactively.  
> This was definitely a very personal journey for me. It started as a collection of drabbles on my rp blog (tsumxki on tumblr if you ever have the urge to peruse the source material) that I wanted to give a wider audience and ended up getting more attention than any of my fics ever have. It's also something I was writing through a dark time in my life. I don't want to bring in too much personal baggage, but I suffered a severe depressive episode that I was almost hospitalized for more than once and I ended up dropping out of the school of my dreams because of it. SDR2 has always resonated with me as a recovery narrative and I've always had a habit of projecting a little too hard on fiction, but in the depths of my depression, I truly believed that Junko was right about despair and Naegi was wrong to take that away from them. I don't believe that anymore.  
> I'm doing better. Significantly better. Incidentally, so is Mikan. For a very long time I wrote the blog terrified that I would have to write a suicide attempt because I saw no way out for her. But somehow, on her own, she's starting to find her way out. So am I. I'm proud of us both.  
> Thank you all so much for reading.


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